Isaac is unabashedly smitten with his 3 month old sister, Isabelle Grace, and yet I have told myself that even so, this curmudgeony toddler must be having trouble adjusting. I have been intentional in trying to hold him more, sing to him more, say yes when he brings me a book to read, tell him I love him and that he is dear to me but even with this added effort on my part it still feels like I am living with an ill humored wookiee.
His complaining, whining, and crying is unrelenting. Despite trying to love him back into joy Isaac does not seem able to change his mood until I complete the following steps. I finally tell him he cannot continue to act like "this", I take him to his room, swat him on the butt, wait two minutes, and return to his room to offer comfort and condolence at which time he falls into my arms ready to "be happy". It is not ideal. I have not fully understood why it takes this punishment to regain my joyful son. I grasped at the straw of an idea that he was acting out and only stopping when he received this negative attention. I was giving him a lot of positive attention so why wasn't he accepting that? I stumbled upon my answer this afternoon with the absolute help from the Holy Spirit. Isaac, my sunshine son, had a wounded heart that was crying out, in the only way he knew, for help and healing.
Once more I slowly walked to my little son's room ready to administer the swat and then follow up with hugs. I hated this. This didn't seem rooted in Truth and how Jesus would do things. "Come on, Lord..." I absentmindedly prayed. "There has got to be a better way but I don't know what it is." I have tried just skipping straight to the hugging compassionate part but Isaac just rejected it every time. I took a breath and walked in. I knelt down in front of him. "Isaac, can you look at me?" He would not raise his downcast eyes. "Why!?" I mentally anguished. "Where is my happy boy?" I feel at that moment the Holy Spirit just breathed into the room. My hands on his slight shoulders I said with feeling "Isaac, I LOVE YOU." He gave no response but whining and squirming to get away. "I. LOVE. YOU. Isaac. I love you." He was a little more still. "I LOVE you. Can you look at me? Look into my eyes, Isaac." He barely raised his eyes to meet mine, just briefly. "Isaac, you must be so sad that I don't hold you as much I used to." In an instant he had slid off his bed and buried his face in my neck, arms wrapped around me. I squeezed him tightly and began rocking him. I heard my eldest, Eli, call out to me from another room. "Mama!". I responded instead to Isaac. "I am SO sorry, Isaac! We used to hold each other all the time before we had Isabelle and you love her SO MUCH but I bet sometimes you are sad I can't hold you as much as you want." "Mama!!" came from the other room again. Mentally I wondered if the bacon I had put in the pan right before coming into Isaac's room was alright. I hadn't intended to be spending so much time in here when I initially walked in. "And do you remember" I continued "how we used to sit on the couch all the time and read lots and lots of books?" Damp nodding into my neck. "That was so nice and we don't read together as much as we used to. I am so sorry. Someday we will start reading together more again. This isn't forever. I love you so much." "Uhhh, MaaaaMA!!!" Although Eli was being insistent he wasn't coming to find me and he wasn't screaming. "I don't want your heart to be hurting you. I want it to come together and be full and happy." I recalled how Isaac insisted on us calling him a "big boy" now. "And you know, Isaac, it is okay if you still want to be the baby sometimes." Usually he would insist that he was NOT a baby. Now he was silent. "Sometimes you go outside with Daddy and Eli and you are a BIG boy but sometimes it is okay if you just want to be a little boy and have me hold you and kiss you. You can still be a baby sometimes." Sniffling sounded in my ear and a grimy little hand reached up to hold my cheek. "May I kiss you, Isaac?" "Maaaaaaamaaaaaa?" came from the living room. Nodding from the son in front of me. He laid a sloppy wet kiss on my lips. "Isaac, would you like to come with me to check the bacon on the stove?" I finally heard his little voice for the first time. "Uh huh, mama. I happy now".
Once more I slowly walked to my little son's room ready to administer the swat and then follow up with hugs. I hated this. This didn't seem rooted in Truth and how Jesus would do things. "Come on, Lord..." I absentmindedly prayed. "There has got to be a better way but I don't know what it is." I have tried just skipping straight to the hugging compassionate part but Isaac just rejected it every time. I took a breath and walked in. I knelt down in front of him. "Isaac, can you look at me?" He would not raise his downcast eyes. "Why!?" I mentally anguished. "Where is my happy boy?" I feel at that moment the Holy Spirit just breathed into the room. My hands on his slight shoulders I said with feeling "Isaac, I LOVE YOU." He gave no response but whining and squirming to get away. "I. LOVE. YOU. Isaac. I love you." He was a little more still. "I LOVE you. Can you look at me? Look into my eyes, Isaac." He barely raised his eyes to meet mine, just briefly. "Isaac, you must be so sad that I don't hold you as much I used to." In an instant he had slid off his bed and buried his face in my neck, arms wrapped around me. I squeezed him tightly and began rocking him. I heard my eldest, Eli, call out to me from another room. "Mama!". I responded instead to Isaac. "I am SO sorry, Isaac! We used to hold each other all the time before we had Isabelle and you love her SO MUCH but I bet sometimes you are sad I can't hold you as much as you want." "Mama!!" came from the other room again. Mentally I wondered if the bacon I had put in the pan right before coming into Isaac's room was alright. I hadn't intended to be spending so much time in here when I initially walked in. "And do you remember" I continued "how we used to sit on the couch all the time and read lots and lots of books?" Damp nodding into my neck. "That was so nice and we don't read together as much as we used to. I am so sorry. Someday we will start reading together more again. This isn't forever. I love you so much." "Uhhh, MaaaaMA!!!" Although Eli was being insistent he wasn't coming to find me and he wasn't screaming. "I don't want your heart to be hurting you. I want it to come together and be full and happy." I recalled how Isaac insisted on us calling him a "big boy" now. "And you know, Isaac, it is okay if you still want to be the baby sometimes." Usually he would insist that he was NOT a baby. Now he was silent. "Sometimes you go outside with Daddy and Eli and you are a BIG boy but sometimes it is okay if you just want to be a little boy and have me hold you and kiss you. You can still be a baby sometimes." Sniffling sounded in my ear and a grimy little hand reached up to hold my cheek. "May I kiss you, Isaac?" "Maaaaaaamaaaaaa?" came from the living room. Nodding from the son in front of me. He laid a sloppy wet kiss on my lips. "Isaac, would you like to come with me to check the bacon on the stove?" I finally heard his little voice for the first time. "Uh huh, mama. I happy now".
Smoke was pouring into my kitchen and the bacon was black and ashy. Isaac has returned to his happy go lucky self. I learned an important truth about healing the day I burnt the bacon which I hope to incorporate into the parenting of all my children. I am going to try and explain it here in the hopes that it might help other parents.
Isaac needed me to speak the words of his pain out loud in order for HIM to recognize what was causing him pain. It wasn't enough that I realized he probably was acting grumpy due to less attention than he previously received. It didn't matter that I was making a concerted effort to hold him more and love on him more. He did not know why he was grumpy and in pain and he needed it to be named for him. He was not able to receive the extra attention and love in a way that healed his heart because he did not know that he was being given it in response to his pain. In exasperation both my husband and I would ask him "What can we do for you? What do you want?" only to be met by meltdowns, defiance, and contradictory behaviors. He didn't know. As soon as I spoke those words of truth "You must be sad because I am not holding you as much" and named my son's pain his heart recognized it as true and responded accordingly. I was able to help Isaac's emotional wounds heal because I named it for him, asked for his forgiveness, and breathed new life into him again. As adults we hopefully have the acquired skill of looking for the source of our anxieties, pain, and heartache. Our children need our help to learn this skill. Speaking TRUTH into our children's lives is so important. Do not be afraid to speak a "negative" truth for especially in naming sins, struggles, fears, and lies we unleash the Light of Truth! Speak the truth and if it is the truth of an evil presence or struggle then be sure to claim it for Christ and breath new life into that area.
